Home of B.A.D. Satire

B.A.D. Advice: How To Get Noticed!

In B.A.D. Advice on October 12, 2011 at 02:39

Dear B.A.D,

No matter what I do, people don’t seem to notice me. I have worked in the same office for seven years and still no one knows my name. Sometimes I even find myself wondering whether I exist or not. Can you offer any suggestions on how I can get the world to take notice of me?

A Nobody in New York

Dear Nobody,

It is far better to go unnoticed! It might even be a super power! Have you ever considered a role as the Invisible Man or a job as an international spy?

Should you, however, persist in treating this rare gift as a curse then here is what we at Bad recommend:

1. Try making your next presentation without wearing pants. This is a tried and tested method of gaining attention and creating a long lasting image in the minds of your colleagues.

2. Every now and again stand up on your desk at work and start shouting out random threats. The phrase “I’ve got a bomb” is known to be the most effective in such cases, ensuring you get noticed like you’ve never been before!

3. Get a make-over, new haircut, new wardrobe, plastic surgery, Botox, skin graft, tummy tuck, buttock pluck and report to the nearest model recruitment center to moonlight as the poster child for the next Colgate commercial.

If you end up fired or arrested as a result of your attempts to gain attention, don’t be dismayed. That simply means you have succeeded! If however, people continue to take no notice of you, consider it a blessing and become a professional bank robber! Something tells us you’d be pretty good at that!

Good luck, Nobody – and keep us posted!

Reza Sultan is a poet, singer and songwriter and tweets lyrically under the handle @Reza_Sultan

B.A.D. Announcement!

In B.A.D. Article on October 8, 2011 at 23:51

Dear B.A.D. Readers,

We recently discovered that our Webmaster had been moonlighting as a henchman for a lethal crime syndicate headed by Dr. Evil. We at B.A.D. Magazine, of course had no problem with this bit of information. Unfortunately, however the ill tempered sea bass with freakin’ laser beams attached to their heads needed to be fed and Dr. Evil hadn’t been out to do the shopping. Suffice it to say we found ourselves a brand new Webmaster and a brand new site! Please visit us at www.badmagazine.org and be sure to ‘Check In’ to get your B.A.D. Egg Badge – your formal initiation into the Big B.A.D. World!

Keep reading and keep commenting!

The B.A.D. Executive Team.

B.A.D. Poll Reveals Good News for Monkey Drivers!

In B.A.D. Article on October 7, 2011 at 02:53

B.A.D. Social Scientists recently held a poll. We know this sounds rude but it really isn’t! Our poll asked people who they were more comfortable sharing the road with!

The options were:

(a) A lunatic escaping from a mental asylum
(b) A woman
(c) A monkey peeling a banana slowly

The poll yielded some undoubtedly interesting results.It appears that 56 % of people preferred having a monkey in the lane next to them. Furthermore 28% would have liked to see a woman there and only 16% were willing to settle for a mad person.

Women will, needless to say, find it perturbing that they were beaten by a monkey – but they can at least console themselves with being chosen over certified lunatics. B.A.D. Magazine assumes no responsibility for the opinions expressed here as they are other peoples.

We hope you can join us on Facebook for next week’s poll on “Who would you want ruling the world?” (a) Obama (b) Osama’s spirit, or (c) Your Mamma?

Reza Sultan is a poet, singer and songwriter and tweets lyrically under the handle @Reza_Sultan

%d bloggers like this: